What is Love?

A bout of the flu compounded with acute boredom has brought me to my old blog- a perusal of which makes immensely clear why it was abandoned by me. The dramatic shenanigans of a twenty-two year old, with every incident being treated as if it heralded an apocalypse of sorts, surely does not the stuff of happy writing make!

I realize now, a successful attempt at moving on from that supposed endless sadness would only be made if I stopped writing about it. And I did. Life has changed so greatly in the past four years, and more importantly, I have changed so profoundly that it is hard to capture that wealth of emotion. One thing however, that thankfully has not changed, is my love for writing.

Returning to my blog posts of yore, embittered with one heartache after another (sometimes with them even overlapping!); tragic experiences and the half-hearted attempts at moving on from them to greener pastures, makes me more aware of my reality as it exists now. Let me tell you, the heart aches only grew from thereon, becoming stronger with each new blow till I found myself a hardened, disaffected shell at the raw age of twenty-four. Nevertheless, the path of growth never stemmed- I lived in London for a year, met new people, had a multitude of fresh experiences and learnt how to let my hair down. But, truth be told, everything that has happened to me so far seems, in hindsight, to be a catalyst in bringing me to where I am now.

More self-reliant than I ever was, proud of my burgeoning legal career with the ASG of the Delhi High Court, ensconced with a belief in myself of reaching hitherto unscaled heights, and most importantly being in the healthiest, and in some ways, the most defining relationship of my life. I was clearly being shaped into the person I am now, so I could wholeheartedly appreciate the man that was to be granted to me. J- my best friend, my lover, my caretaker, my inspiration, my anchor, my rock, my comfort zone and my husband. When we found each other, it felt like two pieces that had been missing the other half through the ages, had finally fallen back into place. The ease with which he fit himself into my life is a testament to the inevitability of our being together. His presence instead of hampering my emotional growth (as in past relationships) has only aided in making me stronger, in attempting to discover my sense of self, of who I am meant to be.

And so, I conclude that 'Love' is as hard to define as it is to find. It is an all-pervading feeling that one just understands. This, here and now, is love. 

Tumse hi...

I was 3 months old, he was born.

I was 4, he wanted my lollipop, I stuck my tongue out at him.

I was 7, I cried when he threw a snowball at me and laughed. I hated him.

I was 13, I became conscious of him as a definite being, a small photograph in his house, a bored little boy staring into the camera, on his first trip abroad. Being at a phase where boys and their pursuit formed a major part of my thoughts, there was an instant flutter in my heart, a feeling I would later pin as attraction. With the passage of time, we met but rarely, I sidelined my little fascination, faced by his acute teenage shyness and apparent lack of interest in me.

I was 14, he walked into my room while I was still in bed, plaguing me with a deep sense of embarassment. He offerred me gum, which I later preserved in my little stash of memorabilia.

I was 15, with a newfound confidence in myself, devoid of pimples and baby fat. I returned home from my school fete, dressed in a purple sweater and jeans, and he sat there, unable to take his eyes off me. I played with his feelings, walking away, for once in control, knowing that I hurt him.

I was 17, freshly graduated from High School, and ensconced in my first serious relationship, as was he in his own. I was carefree and happy, using my femininity to tease and entice, able to speak finally without inhibitions around him.

I was 18, busy with a fulfilling college life, he stormed in and changed it all with a year of endless phone conversations, incessant flirting, advice, and the foundations of a strong friendship.

I was 19, we kissed. And I had never felt so alive.

I was 20, he went away. Nursing a broken heart and a sorely bruised ego, I tried moving on, and in time succeeded, only to find my way to further heartache and misery.

I was 21, stronger and less vulnerable. Pegging it to attraction, we continued on the stony path tagged "no strings attached", throwing all caution to the wind.

I am 22, he tells me, "you're mine, only mine". Is that really true?

Boredom Strikes

So im down with the flu, don't know what to do, and this activity seems as good as any to keep away the blues.. (alright the rest of the post will not be as cheesy.. :P)

RULE #1 People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
RULE #2 Tag 5 people to do this quiz and those who cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by continue this game by sending it to other people

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?

A. Hmmm.. I would love to say that i'd be totally strong and kick the bastard out of my life for good, but knowing the complete emotional sap i am, the outcome might be slightly different.. Well, hopefully, i shouldn't give him any cause for wanting to stray in the first place!

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?

A. To become a world famous actress, and accept my 'best actor in a leading role (female)' oscar in a scintillating red dress.

3. Whose butt would you like to kick?

A. Ah, tricky one.. My ex boyfriend.. No explanations.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?

A. Hmmm, absolutely honestly.. I'd dish out a couple of mill for corrective surgeries such as getting rid of the extra fat etc.. Then put aside a large chunk for an LL.M which i hope to pursue at Harvard, and then maybe save the rest for when i have other such pressing financial concerns.

5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?

A. Yes, i think so.. I think friendship is absolutely essential in a romantic relationship, and if he's already my best friend, he understands me more than most people anyway.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

A. Being loved by someone. All emotional insecurities are kept at bay.

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?

A. Well i'm hoping i wont have to wait at all. But im more of settling for happiness over passion kinda girl anyway.

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?

A. Nothing, if he's meant to be with me, i truly believe he will, in good time.

9. If you'd like to act with someone, who would it be? Your gf/bf or an actor?

A. An actor for sure, the whole point of acting is to get away from real life! Top 2 choices would be Hugh Jackman or Hrithik Roshan.

10. What takes you down the fastest?

A. Boy trouble or fights with friends.

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?

A. Happily married with kids (one or two), enjoying whatever vocation i decide to follow.

12. What's your fear?

A. Losing the people i love.

13. What is your secret vice?

A. I have a penchant for getting quite drunk when out with friends.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?

A. Married but poor.

15. Whats the first thing you do when you wake up?

A. Go to the loo.

16. Would you give all in a relationship?

A. I have been known to do so in the past.

17. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?

A. The one who loves me more.

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing someone has done?

A. I have been known to do that in the past as well.

19. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?

A. It depends on my mood. Currently im bored and a little pissed with the world, so i prefer being single.

Home and Hearth

So what is it about one's home that makes one so comfortable? A feeling of security, a space that blocks out the "big bad world". Once when i was particularly down about something, and Dolly and Chef were involved in the tough pursuit of making me feel better, Chef parted with some very sound advice, "you have such a lovely room, just sitting in it should make you feel better!" Apart from the fact that this was a last ditch effort to point out reasons for me to be happy about myself, there was certainly a kernel of truth in this statement. Within the four walls of my room, of my house, im relieved of the duty of worrying about the problems outside, all i have to deal with then, is myself, my thoughts and ideas.

Sometimes though, your home could also become a foe, with issues of domesticity, of fights within the family, of adjustments and compromises, it becomes necessary to run to the outside world. Therein lies the paradox. Where is the security? How is it defined?

It seems that security exists only in terms of the self, a person who is secure doesn't need a home to run to, or even to run from. His home is himself, inside his heart. Most people however, find it difficult to reach that stage of perfect comfort with themselves. A friend, dealing with immense problems at home - the illness of 2 members, the resultant frustration of the others in the house, and the latent anger coming out in its worst form every once in a while - proclaimed recently that she wanted to walk out. She claimed that she was in a reasonably good position to face life and live it on her terms, and many of her friends seemed to be supporting this decision.

I, on the other hand, found myself advising her vehemently against it. The reasons i gave in support of my arguments were manifold, from the fact that this was the time her family needed her the most, to the fact that she was barely equipped to be out on her own so soon. She eventually came round to my way of thinking, but the event had a much greater effect on me. It led me to reflect on my own insecurities.

I realized that i was not ready myself, to face the world unarmed, partly due to the societal constrictions, and partly due to a fear of the unknown. I wasn't ready to live with my insecurities, to live with myself. I guess that's what growing up is all about, to learn to be away from home, or taking it a step further, to find your own true home. Perhaps this is why i wanted to prolong my student years for as long as i could.

No matter, these epiphanies shall keep me up at nights, forming an excuse for me to not study, and till then, i shall always have my home to come back to..

There was something in the air tonight

After a long hiatus, i decided that an update was due. Reading the blog from its inception onwards, i realized that the last few months have been quite instrumental in changing my outlook to life. But this post is not supposed to be about philosophizing, enough with that! What i enjoy the most, ostensibly, is drama, and tonnes of it, and at some base level, thats probably one of the reasons this blog was started! Thus, the narration must not stop!

Since january, there have been many changes of note. Most importantly, i've lived up to my goals of being happy, and have realized that happiness breeds more happiness :) There have been mishaps - petty quarrels which have turned into literal brawls, silly crying fests, yo-yoing between friends, but the positive outcome has been that i've realized who my real friends are, who's going to be there when im down and out, with a kiss on the forehead, and who'll be on the opposite end passing judgements. I've also learnt how fickle certain relationships can be, how its easy to attract a person who earlier didn't so much as give you the time of day, just by simply not caring! I've always been the pushover, it's nice to catch a glimpse of the greener side.

The strongest development has been the bourgeoning friendship between Mowgli, Pea ( friends studying with me in PG college ) and I. I wont write too much about it, it being quite precious. The breaking ties in my life have been represented by my failing relationship with Chef (my oldest friend from school), its indeed been extremely tough watching an 18 year old friendship breaking down for trifling reasons. But im still hanging on to the belief that this too shall pass. Im hoping all we need is a breather.

Exams start in two days, and the nervous feeling hasn't properly hit yet, quite a scary thought. Adios, hopefully the next time wont be too far away.

And Finally... 2009

Hello and welcome to a new beginning, a fresh start, hauling out the old, bringing in the new. What a joyous feeling it is, to just be happy. Plain and simple. Wake up in the morning, pray, smile. A new adventure everyday, who would've thought that i would ever manage to see this side of the light too?

I have been told, that i overdramatize a lot of events in my life, which makes them sound a lot worse than they actually are, perhaps this is true. But isn't that human? When you yourself are your biggest concern, isn't it but natural to feel the gravity of the situation you're in, much more than others might? Taking off from the thought of you being the centre of your own universe is a great help in other ways, such as when you set forth to do something with your mind made up. Am i making sense? Perhaps not. Let's just say, i walked into 2009, believing with all my might that this year i would be happy. "Ask and you shall receive", let's see if this biblical statement holds true for me.

Happiness itself is quite a relative thing isn't it? My mother thinks im happiest when im with friends, her way of chiding me for not spending enough time with her. Some of my friends, on the other hand, think i spend too much time with family! What i enjoy the most is finding the balance, not just between family time and time with friends, but also between time with the outside world, and with myself.

There was a time when my entire existence was geared towards one single person, and i thought that was happiness. When that phase ended, i tried shifting the same attention on another person, this time it didn't work. Then started the period when my way of attaining happiness was giving attention to several parts of my life, i began to actually see the world with eyes wide open, and realized that even though it looked scary, it really wasn't. I am now, i think, ready to transcend this phase as well. Happiness is relative, and i finally want to make it my own. Something that is mine, to have and keep, not to be elicited by someone else, or the lack thereof. I make myself happy, and i realize its only upto me to make myself happy.

A very Happy new year to all :)

The 28th of February, 2007

Im sitting in class, the room that looks out onto the corridor, on the second last desk, my mind wandering, occupied only by thoughts of you. Hugging my pink shawl closer to my white salwar kameez, in an effort to ward off the chills of cold and nervousness, my phone in my lap, my heart fluttering with every beep that shows your messages. You want to meet me now. The bell rings, i spring up, ramble off some meagre excuse to my friends and run to meet you in our special place, the heart of Delhi, the heart of Us.

You are waiting for me outside the coffee shop in the metro station, your bag, and that insufferable bike handle on one shoulder, leaning against the wall with that heart rending casualness that only you possess. Our eyes meet, we smile, the world around us disappears. We walk out into the sunshine, the daylight making us even more shy, my excited banter making up for your secretive silence. So short, so new, our friendship, a relationship we don't quite know what to make of.

You have to leave soon, and so we must eat. We sit in Mcdonalds, one of your favourites, and talk about everything mundane and not so mundane. Even the mayonnaise dripping onto your shirt is endearing. The meal now over, we must leave, you have half an hour. We walk around the Inner Circle, not wanting this moment to end. Our hands brush against each other, giving you courage you never had before. You take my hand in yours, a touch of electricity, the blood vessels in my cheeks start their incessant dancing, the smile refuses to bow down, till im forced to bite my lip. You turn to me and say, "I won't leave without a kiss", causing the palpitations of the heart to increase a notch.

It is the middle of the day, the heart of the city, with it's teeming millions, no place for a lover's sojourn. We search nonetheless, every nook and cranny we possibly can, your hand clutching mine with renewed vigour every few seconds. I am enveloped in a feeling of hope, of excitement, of trepidation, of a sense of importance, of youthfulness, of growing up, a feeling i will
remember for years to come. We remain unsuccesful in our initial attempts, the disappointment is palpable. We go down to the metro station, where our destinations differ, we can pull this moment no longer. We stand and wait for the train, when with your mind made up, you pull me to a secluded side. My half hearted protests are brushed aside as your arms envelop me in a deep embrace, you lean down, we touch, my mind blanks out, there is nothing else apart from this moment. The awkwardness of our first kiss, your first ever, the teeth, the tongue, the lips, my arms clutching your shoulders, my eyes half closed, in an attempt to feel everything in its entirety, and be alert for people in the background at the same time. Oh, the wonderfulness of it all!

We reluctantly break apart, as the train arrives, and the milling crowds come forward, my shyness increasing proportionately to your happiness. We sit, our hands inseparable, the acute sensation of our legs touching, in that moment there is just us, no need for words, just being together is enough. Then comes your stop, before mine, you dont want to leave, but you must, you give me a parting kiss on the hand, my eyes follow you till the train enters the dark recesses of the tunnel, and im brought down to reality.

How can something so lovely be a sin?