My Dream Is To Fly Over The Rainbow So High..

I feel like a mutilated, festering, worm-ridden, piece of shit. Anger, guilt, self-pity, and most of all self-loathing are currently occupying the uppermost strata of my thoughts. Big's birthday bash last night, a disaster of epic proportions, for me. I knew even when i stepped out, it would be a night i would've regretted later on, due primarily to the fact that i was in the middle of my period, a time where i am, admittedly, converted into a bawling, immature, emotional, oversensitive twit. Urghhh, everything had been going so well for the last few weeks! So this is what happened.

I arrived at the party quite early owing to transport issues, and hence i had to entertain the early entrants from college- small, one of my seniors; and pg college- singer and his girlfriend. Big was merrily hopping into the conversation every few seconds, and then absconding to be with other people. I was drinking, which was not a vey smart decision in hindsight, as i tend to let go of my feelings even more, under the influence. Basically, i was pulling my hair out with boredom, and irritation until Mowgli finally showed up. I mostly danced with him , and a couple of others from pg college, while big was constantly dancing with other females, with most of whom he's had quite an unpleasant history. And thats when the ball dropped, i asked him for a dance, and he refused pleading tiredness, post which he was on the floor with someone else. As if this wasn't humiliating enough, during my last 5 minutes, i asked once more, reiterating that i'd be leaving soon, he said he'd join me very soon, but once again bypassed me for some others. When he finally came to hug us goodbye, i pushed him away, my small (and perhaps immature) move of empowerment. But it felt good. I went upstairs to get my bag, met Blond Mane ( friend from college who wasn't too close to me then, but has since become, especially since we're also studying in pg together), entered my period-scary-avatar, and started howling. She did her best to make me feel better, which was unfortunately cut short because i had to leave, and because our gracious host started banging on the door, and screamed at us for smoking in there, while i sat there and cried on his bed.. and i dont even fucking smoke. Bloody Chutiya.
I realize that he doesnt perhaps deserve all the chastisement im pouring on him, but he makes me hate myself for still being so eager for him, despite all the rejection.

So that's that. But the night unfortunately doesn't end here! There's more to come.. so stay tuned.