The 28th of February, 2007

Im sitting in class, the room that looks out onto the corridor, on the second last desk, my mind wandering, occupied only by thoughts of you. Hugging my pink shawl closer to my white salwar kameez, in an effort to ward off the chills of cold and nervousness, my phone in my lap, my heart fluttering with every beep that shows your messages. You want to meet me now. The bell rings, i spring up, ramble off some meagre excuse to my friends and run to meet you in our special place, the heart of Delhi, the heart of Us.

You are waiting for me outside the coffee shop in the metro station, your bag, and that insufferable bike handle on one shoulder, leaning against the wall with that heart rending casualness that only you possess. Our eyes meet, we smile, the world around us disappears. We walk out into the sunshine, the daylight making us even more shy, my excited banter making up for your secretive silence. So short, so new, our friendship, a relationship we don't quite know what to make of.

You have to leave soon, and so we must eat. We sit in Mcdonalds, one of your favourites, and talk about everything mundane and not so mundane. Even the mayonnaise dripping onto your shirt is endearing. The meal now over, we must leave, you have half an hour. We walk around the Inner Circle, not wanting this moment to end. Our hands brush against each other, giving you courage you never had before. You take my hand in yours, a touch of electricity, the blood vessels in my cheeks start their incessant dancing, the smile refuses to bow down, till im forced to bite my lip. You turn to me and say, "I won't leave without a kiss", causing the palpitations of the heart to increase a notch.

It is the middle of the day, the heart of the city, with it's teeming millions, no place for a lover's sojourn. We search nonetheless, every nook and cranny we possibly can, your hand clutching mine with renewed vigour every few seconds. I am enveloped in a feeling of hope, of excitement, of trepidation, of a sense of importance, of youthfulness, of growing up, a feeling i will
remember for years to come. We remain unsuccesful in our initial attempts, the disappointment is palpable. We go down to the metro station, where our destinations differ, we can pull this moment no longer. We stand and wait for the train, when with your mind made up, you pull me to a secluded side. My half hearted protests are brushed aside as your arms envelop me in a deep embrace, you lean down, we touch, my mind blanks out, there is nothing else apart from this moment. The awkwardness of our first kiss, your first ever, the teeth, the tongue, the lips, my arms clutching your shoulders, my eyes half closed, in an attempt to feel everything in its entirety, and be alert for people in the background at the same time. Oh, the wonderfulness of it all!

We reluctantly break apart, as the train arrives, and the milling crowds come forward, my shyness increasing proportionately to your happiness. We sit, our hands inseparable, the acute sensation of our legs touching, in that moment there is just us, no need for words, just being together is enough. Then comes your stop, before mine, you dont want to leave, but you must, you give me a parting kiss on the hand, my eyes follow you till the train enters the dark recesses of the tunnel, and im brought down to reality.

How can something so lovely be a sin?

Everything Will Fall Into Place..

I have been out of action for quite a while, having experienced lots of ups and downs in the last couple of weeks. A brief update -

• Big is seeing someone else, which caused a lot of heartache when it happened. My aim was to not let him govern my thoughts and as a consequence, was very pointedly, ignoring him. However he came and spoke to me, and now we're back on decent terms, albeit awkward ones.
• I have given my paltry little trimester exam for French and failed it, which was a big disappointment considering i have already passed my diploma 2 years ago! But to be fair, i had forgotten a lot of very basic things and had really not taken this very seriously. So, i must repeat it again. :(
• My friend Curly (very close friend from college) after months of waiting for the right opportunity finally got his dream job with JWT, working on the plum Pepsi account, without any particular training or experience, which just goes to show that good things come to those who wait :)
• Ms Vixen (another really close friend from college) and I decided to revisit some good memories of our jobless college times by volunteering to work in the European Higher Education Fair, just like we had two years back. The bonus of course being the cash earned! The experience started out being quite dull, with me working in the stall for the University of Centrale Nantes in France, and she working in the Presentation Hall. Nonetheless, over the course of two days we had good fun, involving the practicing of my French conversational skills, the scoping of 'hot' foreigners, eating good five star food, taking tonnes of coffee breaks, dealing with random flirtatious men, and most importantly, spending time with her after what seemed like years. I had forgotten how much we used to laugh when we were together, how we completely understood each others lame jokes, the relationship i have with her is honestly unique. It's sad therefore, that we're not as close anymore, another testimony, i guess, of how time goes by without so much as a tap on the head.
• Ann, is back with CL, completely disregarding the advice of her friends and family, and much to their chagrin. Ah, but what can one say, Love is blind, and in her case, stupid as well! (sorry, Ann!!)
• My first semester exams are in two weeks, and i haven't hit the books yet, and so am starting to get worried now. So, now i shall take leave. Enough with the procrastination!

Baby's Day Out

Im the baby in question. Not that im hankering to go back to my childhood or even just feeling a little immature, its just that today was a day when i felt like going out on the town, being adventurous, doing a little exploration. As usual, though, due to a lack of options, i ended up with a very tame lunch and movie date with a friend. But im not complaining! It was a slow, post Diwali day, most people were missing from college, with the exception of a few seniors who left pretty early on for a movie, and Big, who im eagerly trying to avoid, especially since the whole of yesterday he was constantly vying for my attention, confusing me. His lack of communication today shows that he's back to normalcy, sparing me the uncertainty of thinking that my actions actually affected him, that i could still possibly make him insecure. Oh god, how foolish could i be? I actually thought he cared?! I spoke to Rockstar online today, ( one of my dearest friends from college who has recntly relocated to London with his family, in order to pursue a Masters in History ) and his wise and very eloquent advice was, "get over it, man!" And so, i shall earnestly try.

Getting back to the outing, i tried a lot of people and finally got through to Dolly, and after an uneventful lunch we decided, quite spontanoeusly, to go for Madhur Bhandarkars new release, Fashion. A small problem, however, that spontaneity poses is the non availability of tickets for a new release. So, in eager pursuit of the prized seats i encountered 2 'firsts' of my life today - my first fight with a stranger who accused me of cutting the line ( i was so not! ), and my first individual attempt at buying tickets in black ( reselling of tickets, illegally, for a higher price, for the uninitiated ), and i even managed to bargain and bring the price down! Quite proud of myself :) After all the excitement, however, the movie didn't really live up to my expectations. It was pretty much the same fare that he usually metes out. A documented, glamourized depiction of the hideous underbelly of a particular industry, the fashion one, in this case. Priyanka Chopra was fabulous, playing every emotion to perfection, and there were many she displayed. Kangana Ranaut was at her screechy best, i think she's now being stereotyped in those roles, unfortunately for her. Overall, however, i had good fun today, the first day of the Hindu New Year, so im taking that as a good sign.

But now the fun must start diminishing, because the exams are rapidly approaching, and im completely unprepared! Aargh! Pom was nice enough to send me some of his notes today just to get the hang of things, and i was even inspired to open one of my books today, however that project didn't last longer than 2 pages. Pathetic! Hopefully, the scene shall change now!

My Dream Is To Fly Over The Rainbow So High.. Part 2

Now alluding to other events of the, etched-in-my-memory, making-me-cringe-every-time-i-think-about-it, night. I had handed over my phone to Mowgli, for safekeeping in his pocket. At some point i got a message from Mini, a guy whom i've met through Dolly (my closest friend in the world, our history going back to school times, the one who uncannily calls me every time im upset, without knowing it!). Now Mini, for the past couple of months has been asking me out on a date quite doggedly, despite my dropping massive hints to the effect that i was completely not into him like that. The reason why i haven't just been able to say so outright, is simply because i have a huge problem with saying no, i just cant seem to be able to stand my ground if i think that i might potentially be hurting somone, even if it is at the expense of hurting myself!

Anyway, getting back to the situation, Mini once again expressed his desire to take me out for coffee, and Mowgli happened to read the message. Once i filled him in on the background story, both of us, in our drunken state, decided to have some fun. He replied from my side telling him very bluntly, that i wasn't interested, to which Mr coward, Mini, replies that he isn't either! Honestly, sometimes people can be so oversensitive! And this coming from me, Ms cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat, is really something! Anyway, our little entertainment turned out to be a big mistake! It completely pissed Dolly off, owing to her closeness to him, and she screamed at me, at my immaturity and carelessness among other things, the next day, till i was yet again reduced to tears, and eventually had to send an apology message, pleading drunkenness, which didn't however, elicit a reply. Whatever. I hope that no grudges are borne from his side, because there certainly aren't any from mine.

In other news, Big messaged today, saying he'd 'noticed' that i seemed ticked off with him when i left the party, and asking if i was going to make an issue out of it. I didn't reply, my selfish and therefore self confidence boosting measure. He however messaged again a few hours later, quite surprisingly, i must say, saying that my lack of response obviously meant that i was hankering for a fight. This time i did reply, honestly not wanting to create issues and prolong tensions between us, due to there being too many people involved. I made it clear that i wasn't going to make it an issue, and i just needed some time to deal with my problems myself. Post this i found myself revelling in a feeling of peace, with myself and the world at large, like the removal of a big burden from my back. But he had to ruin it. He messaged again, apologising! Why oh why is he doing this to me? Why cant he just let me be? How do i make him understand what i feel? How do i make myself understand?

Happy Diwali to one and all, may this season give me and all of you a fresh start :) God knows, it is desperately needed!

My Dream Is To Fly Over The Rainbow So High..

I feel like a mutilated, festering, worm-ridden, piece of shit. Anger, guilt, self-pity, and most of all self-loathing are currently occupying the uppermost strata of my thoughts. Big's birthday bash last night, a disaster of epic proportions, for me. I knew even when i stepped out, it would be a night i would've regretted later on, due primarily to the fact that i was in the middle of my period, a time where i am, admittedly, converted into a bawling, immature, emotional, oversensitive twit. Urghhh, everything had been going so well for the last few weeks! So this is what happened.

I arrived at the party quite early owing to transport issues, and hence i had to entertain the early entrants from college- small, one of my seniors; and pg college- singer and his girlfriend. Big was merrily hopping into the conversation every few seconds, and then absconding to be with other people. I was drinking, which was not a vey smart decision in hindsight, as i tend to let go of my feelings even more, under the influence. Basically, i was pulling my hair out with boredom, and irritation until Mowgli finally showed up. I mostly danced with him , and a couple of others from pg college, while big was constantly dancing with other females, with most of whom he's had quite an unpleasant history. And thats when the ball dropped, i asked him for a dance, and he refused pleading tiredness, post which he was on the floor with someone else. As if this wasn't humiliating enough, during my last 5 minutes, i asked once more, reiterating that i'd be leaving soon, he said he'd join me very soon, but once again bypassed me for some others. When he finally came to hug us goodbye, i pushed him away, my small (and perhaps immature) move of empowerment. But it felt good. I went upstairs to get my bag, met Blond Mane ( friend from college who wasn't too close to me then, but has since become, especially since we're also studying in pg together), entered my period-scary-avatar, and started howling. She did her best to make me feel better, which was unfortunately cut short because i had to leave, and because our gracious host started banging on the door, and screamed at us for smoking in there, while i sat there and cried on his bed.. and i dont even fucking smoke. Bloody Chutiya.
I realize that he doesnt perhaps deserve all the chastisement im pouring on him, but he makes me hate myself for still being so eager for him, despite all the rejection.

So that's that. But the night unfortunately doesn't end here! There's more to come.. so stay tuned.

Baawra Man Dekhne Chalaa Ek Sapna..

3 of the 4 blogs that i usually read, had an entry written today, and hence i feel that i must follow suit. Since there's no particular thought in my head, i shall ramble on. I am coming down with a cold, a normal occurence, in my case, accompanying a change of weather. And oh, the weather is becoming so beautiful, the onset of winter in Delhi is dreamy, and i make this declaration keeping in mind that i am a self confessed summer person! Yesterday, while walking to an auto stand sometime in the evening, i felt a change, a certain woody, chilly smell distinct to this particular season, and it brought a smile to my face. I also found myself smiling randomly yesterday for different reasons, after a long time.

It was because of my new friends. The few people that i've been in the company of, these past few weeks, in my post graduate college, have started growing on me, im slowly getting to a very comfortable, intimate place with them. I dont know if its the real thing, but i do hope it is. This security is something im feeling after quite a while, and it feels good. I shall introduce them briefly here, since i realize that i make my life sound very cryptic in this blog, and since my life practically revolves around the people in it, its quite a paradox to not talk of them more often. So from the new bunch, there is Mowgli, my fellow first year and constant companion through endless lectures with boring teachers; Anu, another first year, who also travels with me in my makeshift car pool; Pom, the undisputed leader of the senior gang, attaining this title primarily due to his high position in SPIL (a society in college i have recently joined); Cho, his second-in-command, who is also related to Leo, the object of the first entry of this blog, my ex, but more on him later; Chads, Pom's on-again-off-again girlfriend; Nari, the most akin to me, as we share our religion as well as our nieghbourhood; Singer and his girlfriend; and Champu, the illustrious second year through whom us freshers were introduced to the seniors. That pretty much covers the big-wigs.

Today was also the day for our annual visit to the Blind School Diwali Mela, which was quite a disappointment, considering it was all the same fare. Leo (the ex whom i dated for 4 years before Big) called whilst i was there, and 20 minutes later he showed up with some friends. After much hemming and hawing and causation of mental stress i built up the courage to ask Mom if i could meet him, and surprisingly she agreed. The condition? She would meet him too. So the brave soul that he is, he came forward and we had a very brief, awkward conversation for 2 minutes, during which i got sad for some inexplicable reason, and after which my mother promptly relayed her judgement, "He's become fat." On a more serious note though, she uncannily picked up on my sudden gloom, and started questioning me about it, and the role he currently played in my life, which i craftily dodged by changing the subject! phew!

Enough warbling for the day, i must now try and figure how i can link my favourite blogs to my own.

Sign In

It's sometimes very difficult to absorb the fact that you may be very similar to someone from one aspect, and so completely different from another. It confuses me no end that the ex girlfriend of Big, my last boyfriend, seems to draw a level of curiosity on my part quite unparalleled by another. It is indeed very strange, how my envy at their having been closer, to pity at his having treated her so badly, to a weird sensation of the sharing of a common factor in our past, is all rolled up into one big emotion. It's this emotion that makes me constantly keep a track of her facebook profile, and sometimes even her blog, despite the fact it has now been 3 months since the end of Big and I.

I wonder if i arouse the same level of curiosity in her for me? Strange are the ways of human nature.. Extremely strange..

Getaway

I am absolutely craving for a holiday, a trip to discover something new, to forget the old, to escape the never ending monotony of my thoughts, of just being. A long, long drive, reaching a destination which i haven't explored before. Reading, talking to my family, listening to songs i love. Sleeping on the unfamiliar bed sheets, waking up and getting dressed in a hurry in order to reach in time for the "included-in-the-package" breakfast. Then going out to see all the tourist attractions, and the inevitable shopping, one of my vices! Then the long drive back, being all tired after a whirlwind trip, and the sad ritual of the unpacking. Oh how i wish i could just fly away!
My last holiday was quite recent actually, which is probably why my father, who's usually bitten by the travel bug even faster than i am, hasn't started getting impatient yet. The first week of august, my cousin got married in Phuket, Thailand - a very fancy 7 day punju affair, the best kind in my opinion! 2 days dedicated to just shopping in Bangkok, and then 8 functions in just 4 days in Phuket's uber luxurious Khao Lak Beach and Spa Resort. Much dancing, drinking, flirting and romancing with tall, dark and handsome members of the opposite sex till the wee hours of the morning, was involved! Aah, quite a fantasy trip actually! Which is probably why im dying to get away once again, from this mundane existence. Last year was quite a fulfilling one in this regard, i took a record 7 trips outside Delhi!
Oh, how badly i crave my opiate , my dose of travel!

Buttercup Baby

I feel like im in a very random mood. Its kind of unexplainable, a feeling where there are no feelings. I guess thats good, its sort of positive that im not brooding about it, which im very prone to do. That gut wrenching feeling that comes when i hear a certain something, or read a certain something, isn't happening. Maybe thats just for now, but hopefully not. Alright enough with the weirdness.
College is off, so i've been making the most of my holidays, socializing till im ready to drop dead, on the phone practically all the time, not really leaving any room for thought. I am injuring myself, but blocking it out very well.
Shifting the focus from my supposedly never ending problems to those of the people around me. Ann, one of my best friends from college, broke up with the compulsive liar (henceforth referred to as CL) she'd been dating for 3 years. In my opinion she's handled it really well, i hope that what im seeing is not a facade. He was the centre of her universe for the longest time and vice versa, and quite literally too, because while he was in college they really didn't have many good friends apart from each other. And now, my heart goes out to her, my lovely, innocent friend who can give so much without expecting it in return. My Ann with a heart of gold. Be strong like I never was, because you're a better person, and always will be. Let CL of your dreams be pushed away by that of the reality which faces you now, let him wither away and die behind the masks of glory he's always erroneously sought and hence will never achieve. You've done all you could, now its time for u to come into your own, you beautiful person. I love you, and because i do, i can tell you that any person who really does, would never hurt you.

breaking the ice

After a rather morbid start to my blog, i think i should touch bases properly. Im a student, pursuing a post graduate degree in Delhi, and simultaneously learning to deal with everything that life has to offer, the ups and downs, the silly little pressures of just growing up, of finding a place for myself in this world.
The past few days have brought me face to face with these maxims and how! Catching up with school friends after three years on a "girls night out" which included much intake of shots of different varieties, hookah and even a stolen half cigarette! This was the celebration of being young and alive and happy, to some extent. And the very next day, there was the sadness of a prayer meeting for the death of my friends father. His sudden demise while sleeping just highlighted the uncertainty of everything, and curiously worked positively to reinforce my will to make the best of everything offered to me, even if i couln't have everything i wanted.
And so i realize life is meant to be lived and thats about it...

How does one let go?

How does one let go of a way of life? a breath, a sigh, a moment in time, laughter, tears, pain, love. Here i am at 11:16 pm writing because its the only thing left to do, every other thing tried and tested many times over. A year, a month and a week of trying to stabilize myself, stand on my own two feet without searching for his strong shoulders to cry on, to whine about every inconsequential mishap of my life, and now its come to this, my biggest trial, not turning to him.

How does one get over the only form of happiness they've felt? How does one hold a moonbeam in their hand?