Home and Hearth

So what is it about one's home that makes one so comfortable? A feeling of security, a space that blocks out the "big bad world". Once when i was particularly down about something, and Dolly and Chef were involved in the tough pursuit of making me feel better, Chef parted with some very sound advice, "you have such a lovely room, just sitting in it should make you feel better!" Apart from the fact that this was a last ditch effort to point out reasons for me to be happy about myself, there was certainly a kernel of truth in this statement. Within the four walls of my room, of my house, im relieved of the duty of worrying about the problems outside, all i have to deal with then, is myself, my thoughts and ideas.

Sometimes though, your home could also become a foe, with issues of domesticity, of fights within the family, of adjustments and compromises, it becomes necessary to run to the outside world. Therein lies the paradox. Where is the security? How is it defined?

It seems that security exists only in terms of the self, a person who is secure doesn't need a home to run to, or even to run from. His home is himself, inside his heart. Most people however, find it difficult to reach that stage of perfect comfort with themselves. A friend, dealing with immense problems at home - the illness of 2 members, the resultant frustration of the others in the house, and the latent anger coming out in its worst form every once in a while - proclaimed recently that she wanted to walk out. She claimed that she was in a reasonably good position to face life and live it on her terms, and many of her friends seemed to be supporting this decision.

I, on the other hand, found myself advising her vehemently against it. The reasons i gave in support of my arguments were manifold, from the fact that this was the time her family needed her the most, to the fact that she was barely equipped to be out on her own so soon. She eventually came round to my way of thinking, but the event had a much greater effect on me. It led me to reflect on my own insecurities.

I realized that i was not ready myself, to face the world unarmed, partly due to the societal constrictions, and partly due to a fear of the unknown. I wasn't ready to live with my insecurities, to live with myself. I guess that's what growing up is all about, to learn to be away from home, or taking it a step further, to find your own true home. Perhaps this is why i wanted to prolong my student years for as long as i could.

No matter, these epiphanies shall keep me up at nights, forming an excuse for me to not study, and till then, i shall always have my home to come back to..

There was something in the air tonight

After a long hiatus, i decided that an update was due. Reading the blog from its inception onwards, i realized that the last few months have been quite instrumental in changing my outlook to life. But this post is not supposed to be about philosophizing, enough with that! What i enjoy the most, ostensibly, is drama, and tonnes of it, and at some base level, thats probably one of the reasons this blog was started! Thus, the narration must not stop!

Since january, there have been many changes of note. Most importantly, i've lived up to my goals of being happy, and have realized that happiness breeds more happiness :) There have been mishaps - petty quarrels which have turned into literal brawls, silly crying fests, yo-yoing between friends, but the positive outcome has been that i've realized who my real friends are, who's going to be there when im down and out, with a kiss on the forehead, and who'll be on the opposite end passing judgements. I've also learnt how fickle certain relationships can be, how its easy to attract a person who earlier didn't so much as give you the time of day, just by simply not caring! I've always been the pushover, it's nice to catch a glimpse of the greener side.

The strongest development has been the bourgeoning friendship between Mowgli, Pea ( friends studying with me in PG college ) and I. I wont write too much about it, it being quite precious. The breaking ties in my life have been represented by my failing relationship with Chef (my oldest friend from school), its indeed been extremely tough watching an 18 year old friendship breaking down for trifling reasons. But im still hanging on to the belief that this too shall pass. Im hoping all we need is a breather.

Exams start in two days, and the nervous feeling hasn't properly hit yet, quite a scary thought. Adios, hopefully the next time wont be too far away.