Home and Hearth

So what is it about one's home that makes one so comfortable? A feeling of security, a space that blocks out the "big bad world". Once when i was particularly down about something, and Dolly and Chef were involved in the tough pursuit of making me feel better, Chef parted with some very sound advice, "you have such a lovely room, just sitting in it should make you feel better!" Apart from the fact that this was a last ditch effort to point out reasons for me to be happy about myself, there was certainly a kernel of truth in this statement. Within the four walls of my room, of my house, im relieved of the duty of worrying about the problems outside, all i have to deal with then, is myself, my thoughts and ideas.

Sometimes though, your home could also become a foe, with issues of domesticity, of fights within the family, of adjustments and compromises, it becomes necessary to run to the outside world. Therein lies the paradox. Where is the security? How is it defined?

It seems that security exists only in terms of the self, a person who is secure doesn't need a home to run to, or even to run from. His home is himself, inside his heart. Most people however, find it difficult to reach that stage of perfect comfort with themselves. A friend, dealing with immense problems at home - the illness of 2 members, the resultant frustration of the others in the house, and the latent anger coming out in its worst form every once in a while - proclaimed recently that she wanted to walk out. She claimed that she was in a reasonably good position to face life and live it on her terms, and many of her friends seemed to be supporting this decision.

I, on the other hand, found myself advising her vehemently against it. The reasons i gave in support of my arguments were manifold, from the fact that this was the time her family needed her the most, to the fact that she was barely equipped to be out on her own so soon. She eventually came round to my way of thinking, but the event had a much greater effect on me. It led me to reflect on my own insecurities.

I realized that i was not ready myself, to face the world unarmed, partly due to the societal constrictions, and partly due to a fear of the unknown. I wasn't ready to live with my insecurities, to live with myself. I guess that's what growing up is all about, to learn to be away from home, or taking it a step further, to find your own true home. Perhaps this is why i wanted to prolong my student years for as long as i could.

No matter, these epiphanies shall keep me up at nights, forming an excuse for me to not study, and till then, i shall always have my home to come back to..